What I Wish Every Parent in My Clinic Room Knew

Parents often come into my clinic with the same concerns.
Are we doing enough? Are we doing it right? Do you think if we kidnapped Joe Brumm, North Korea-style, we could make him create Bluey episodes forever?

So, in the spirit of saving everyone some unnecessary stress (apart from Joe Brumm), here’s a non-exhaustive list of things I wish every parent knew about their child’s communication journey—no guilt, no impossible expectations, just realistic, research-backed, actually doable ways to support your child.

1️⃣ STOP BEING SO GREAT

Kids can be super irritating. That's okay; it's not their fault. It spins me out that this is a transgressive or 'clickbait'y thing to say, nowadays.
If you never show your child how their relentless, top-of-their-lungs rendition of a Blippi song while you’re trying to cook dinner actually makes you feel—are you giving them an unrealistic expectation of how this might be received elsewhere?

I’m not saying we should shame kids or expect self-regulation beyond their developmental level—just that if we pretend we have infinite patience, we’re setting them up for a shock when the real world does not.

Donald Winnicott’s “Good Enough Parent” theory found that children thrive with caregivers who are consistent and responsive—not perfect (Winnicott, 1953). Kids don’t need flawless parenting. They need reliable, present, engaged parenting. If you’re doing your best most of the time? That’s what actually matters.

I say this as somebody who has felt that twinge of guilt as I hear the Octonauts theme music play again while I try to mentally count, How many episodes is that now…?
I say this as someone who has taken my child on a weeklong camping trip and arrived, only to realise I forgot to pack any shoes for him. Twice. Twice, he has wandered around, in the dust, like a child from the Depression era, until we made a special trip into the Nar Nar Goon Big W to hastily purchase some $4 sandals that Temu would be proud of.

If you’re feeling guilty about not practising speech sounds every day, or failing to muster up the energy for pretend floortime play, even though an Overzealous and Overcaffeinated Speech Pathologist has infodumped to you about how essential it is—take a breath. Your child isn’t keeping score. And, more importantly, they’re not about to fail because you had an off week.

That said, a solid self-reflection process is invaluable. If you've realised that, actually, you do need to step up on one of the major KPIs of parenting, that’s a great realisation! But don’t let guilt eat you alive. Winnicott even argued imperfection from a caregiver can be beneficial. That said, I don't recall him mentioning anything about forgetting shoes.

2️⃣ THE ART OF THE REPAIR

Maybe you lost patience. Maybe you got locked in a completely pointless battle of wills over your child saying ‘please ‘ at bedtime when they were already overtired (and so were you), and now bedtime has been dragged out by another 45 minutes, serving exactly nobody.

(A totally random example. Absolutely no personal connection to this. Just a little parenting fable I made up on the spot. Haha. Ha. Ha ha ha.)

The good news? You can always repair. Dr. Becky Kennedy (aka Dr. Becky from Good Inside) talks a lot about this. Here’s how that might sound:
✔ *I’m sorry I raised my voice before—I should have taken a breath. Let’s try that again.”
✔ “You know what? That wasn’t actually a big deal. Let’s reset.”
✔ “Whew. That was rough. Want a hug before we head home?”

Research on attachment and co-regulation (Siegel & Bryson, 2012) shows that kids don’t need for you to always get it right — they need parents who can co-regulate. They need you—showing up, making the repair, and moving forward. Repair builds trust, emotional intelligence, and resilience.

3️⃣ STURDY LEADERSHIP: THE ART OF BEING FIRM AND FLEXIBLE

Since we’re on a Dr. Becky buzz, let’s talk about Sturdy Leadership—the kind of parenting (and teaching, and therapy) that is calm, confident, and consistent.

It’s the middle ground between:
🚫 “If it’s too hard, we don’t have to.” (which teaches kids that boundaries aren’t real - terrifying!)
🚫 “Because I said so.” (which shuts down communication and doesn’t give kids a framework for understanding expectations)

Instead, Sturdy Leadership means setting clear boundaries while staying warm and supportive.
"We’re making a change. From now on, no screens in the hour before bed. I know that’s different from what we’ve done before. You might not like it at first, but I know you can handle it. I’ll help you find something else to wind down. But screens are done at 8:30."

Will your child lament their plight, throw you withering looks, and attempt to erode your very will to live That’s how you know it’s working!*

4️⃣ FIRST/THEN

One of the biggest mistakes I see parents (and myself!) fall for is giving waaaay too many words.

For example:
"Sweetheart please put your shoes on it is literally freezing outside and we have to go and I know you love these shoes we got them ‘specially for you remember they have the cool laces okay fine no socks but you have to wear something because it is five degrees and I am not carrying you when your feet go numb and honestly I am being so reasonable right now and explaining things so kindly but actually I am starting to get increasingly irate because you are not acknowledging my excellent logic and do you think I like arguing about shoes do you think this is how I imagined my life would go that I would spend my mornings begging a small irrational person to protect their own feet and actually did you know that early humans wrapped their feet in animal hides to stay warm and yet here we are thousands of years later still having this conversation oh my god PLEASE just put them on I am begging you I am actually begging you right now."

First/Then is the fix:
👉 First shoes, then park.
👉 First pack away blocks, then we can play with Playdoh.
👉 First, put your lunchbox in your bag, then we can go to the skate park.
👉 First walk the dog, then you can meet your friends.

This is Sturdy Leadership in action.*

5️⃣ HUMANS LEARN BEST WHEN WE ARE MOSTLY SUCCEEDING

Research indicates that children (and adults!) learn best when they succeed approximately 80-90% of the time on a given task. This ‘sweet spot’ ensures that tasks are challenging enough to promote growth but not so difficult that they become discouraging. If a child is not engaging, our mantra should be ‘BACK UP’. I regularly make the mistake of seeing a child succeed once, and assume it’s like a video game and they’ve leveled up now. I’ve seen lots of parents think that 30% success is what ‘teaching’ looks like, and then wonder why their child refuses to engage in any home program. We need to knock it off.

(This also applies to social-emotional development, which may not feel intuitive. Turn-taking, sharing, losing a game etc. - we now know these are not skills we should automatically demand of kids. Making it impossibly hard and saying “Well, they’ve GOT to learn!” is best depicted by the wonderful Neurowild.)

Scaffolding means giving just enough support to help them get there, then slowly pulling back. Not yanking it away the second they succeed once.

FINAL THOUGHTS: PARENTS ARE DOING BETTER THAN THEY THINK

Your child won’t remember exactly what strategies you used.
Did you do your best to ensure they (mostly) felt supported, understood, and safe (albeit sometimes shoeless)?

That’s what makes the biggest difference.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve just realised my son went to photo day with his t-shirt inside out. A lasting testament to my ‘just barely good enough’ parenting. Fantastic.

————————————————

*That said, if using ‘Sturdy Leadership’ or ‘First/Then’ regularly leads to extreme distress or complete shutdowns for your child, please don’t keep pushing it. Some kids, particularly those with a PDA presentation, experience a fight-or-flight response to even minor demands. I am never, ever going to suggest anything that causes continued distress.
———————————————-

What would you add to the list? Do you have any epic ‘parenting fails’ or ‘wins’? I’d love to hear your thoughts!